Inside My Brain

Just in case you are under the impression that cross-cultural missionaries know what they are doing, here’s a little inside look. This is part of my internal monologue during a recent new event. I had never been to a rice cleaning party before. I had been invited by the bride’s mother that morning, and all I knew was that we were supposed to clean rice for her daughter’s Send-Off on Saturday and that they needed the school’s speakers for the event. For those not from Tanzania, cleaning rice means picking the tiny stones out of the dry rice. For an event as big as a Send-Off I imagined they would need a whole lot of rice. I was right. Our best guess is that it was about 50 pounds of rice.

(Upon arrival…)

“Oh wow. They all look so nice! Apparently I underestimated the dress code for a rice cleaning party. Note to future self, dress nicely to a rice cleaning party. At least I arrived about the right time. I’m an hour later than they told me, and I’m still one of the first ones here, but not the very first one here. And look, some of them have already started cleaning rice. Something I know how to do, since we do it at least once a week every week.”

(I greet the host and start cleaning rice.)

“Ok. Doing good cleaning rice. Oh wait, I’m sitting cross-legged and no one else is. Gotta sit with my feet tucked under me or legs out in front.”

(I put my legs out in front)

“Well, this isn’t going to last long. I’m not flexible enough to sit like this for long periods of time. Tucked under it is.”

(I adjust and continue cleaning rice)

“Oh, they are just using their right hand for cleaning. Not both. Ok. Right hand it is. Man, I’m so much slower one-handed.”

(Someone comes up to greet me.)

“Ok. Here it comes… the Swahili…. O goodness she is talking fast! And it’s so hard to hear her over the music. I think I got three words out of that. Ok. How to respond? “

(I give it the good college try)

“Hmm… confused look. Guess that wasn’t it. Ok, she’s trying again. Got more. Time to respond.”

(I give a second response)

“Ok. That was better. Not great. But better. Is she giving me a look of pity? Ok. Deep breathe. Yes, Swahili is hard.”

(I continue cleaning rice after she leaves. I get to the point of cleaning where the rice is tossed in a woven shallow basket to get the chaff out.)

“Ok. I got this. Wait, how do they do it so little extra rice doesn’t fly out. Slower maybe. More intentional. Ok that’s better. Does anyone notice that I’m a novice? Hopefully not.”

(I keep working at the rice. Eric shows up to take a few pictures.)

“Yay. My partner in awkwardness. I’m saved! Or at least I won’t be the only one for a few minutes.”

(Eric takes some pictures and then leaves.)

“Oh man, my butt’s falling asleep. Time to shift.”

(More women arrive.)

“Huh. Everyone makes kelele (tradition female cry of joy) when more people arrive. I’ll have to try that next time.”

(Later more people arrive.)

“Shoot. Missed the kelele again.”

(Even more people arrive. Over 50 are now present.)

“Wow. How many people do they need to clean rice?!?,,, Remember, Linda, this is a social thing. It’s not just about the activity.”

(A woman offers to help me and takes my basket.)

“Hmm… was I doing something wrong or was she just being nice? I mean I think I’m doing everything everyone else is doing.  I’ll assume nice. Please let it be nice.”

(I help out the other women without baskets.)

“Oh man, losing feeling in my legs again. How do they sit like this for so long? Shift.”

(The woman soon returns my basket, and with a little more work the pile is finished.)

“Well it looks like our pile is done and most of the piles are done. Now what?”

(I watch the five dancers for a while.)

“I feel weird just sitting here. Maybe I should go dance. But it’s such a small group and I don’t see anyone I recognize. I’m not sure I’m emotionally prepared to be in the spotlight. Maybe later.”

(I sit and wait some more.)

“Now I feel really awkward. Maybe I’ll go talk to someone I know.”

(I find our neighbor and ask what happens next. She says that nothing happens right now, but eventually there will be a TSH 5,000 collection from each woman.)

“O goodness. I don’t know that I have that on me. I didn’t know about a donation. Maybe I’ll go home and grab it, and just take a little breather from feeling awkward.”

(I return home with promises to come back shortly. I get the money, chat with Eric for a few minutes, use the bathroom, and then return.)

“Oh, some people are already leaving. Perhaps I waited too long. I wonder where to give the donation”

(I check with our neighbor and find out they’ve already taken the donation.)

“Bummer. I guess I stayed in the house too long.”

(I find out who is collecting the money. They receive it gladly, and then a few minutes later give me TSH 1,000 back.)

“Wait, there’s change? I’m so confused.”

(I hang out some more. I see some of the people who were dancing earlier.)

“Oh, I did know some of the people who were dancing! I guess I could have danced. Oh well, I’ll dance up at the Send-off on Saturday.”

(I sit for what seems like a very long time.)

“Ok. Don’t let your American impatience get the better of you, Linda. Just be present. Hang out until your neighbor leaves.”

(I chat a little bit and sit some more. Finally, I hear from our neighbor that it’s an appropriate time to leave.)

“And another event, more or less successfully, navigated.”

This whole scenario reminded me of one of the great tips for cross-cultural missionaries in the most recent Alifeoverseas.com post:

“Cultivate a tolerance of ambiguity. According to Dictionary.com, ambiguity is defined as “doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention,” which is just another way of saying you don’t know what the heck is going on. As those of you who live (or have lived) cross-culturally know, this is permanent state of affairs, as you grapple with a language that is different, customs that seem strange, and social systems that are often opaque. Those with a low level of ambiguity tolerance may experience more culture stress than those who can say (honestly) “I don’t have a clue what’s going on around me, and that’s fine.””

Am I always fine not knowing what is going on around me? Nope. But I’m trying to be, and that’s the first step :-) 

10 THINGS MISSIONARIES WON'T TELL YOU (From our perspective)

This blog post is going to be a little bit different, because it is actually written for other missionaries. However, those of you who love and support missionaries might also like to listen in and get the inside scoop. There’s an article that we’ve seen passed around for a few days on Facebook called “10 Things Missionaries Won’t Tell You.” When we read it, we found that the ideas were definitely common among missionaries like ourselves, and yet, we didn't agree with the tone of the article. The author sounded really jaded, perhaps at the height of culture-shock or burnout. The article was probably very therapeutic for many missionaries to read, because it normalizes a lot of feelings. Yet, we fear that if a missionary maintains this mindset, he or she won't last long. Here are a few ways we've found to reframe these ideas.

1. THEY DON’T HAVE THE TIME OR ENERGY TO WRITE…BUT THEY DO IT FOR YOU.

What the original article said: “Newsletters, blog posts, website updates – all the “experts” tell me that I need to be sending you fresh content on a regular basis so you won’t forget about me. But here’s the thing…writing is hard, especially for those who aren’t natural writers. You know what else is hard? HTML, CSS, PHP, and a bunch of other tech-geek stuff that you have to learn about just to make a decent-looking website or email. I really want to tell you what’s going on, but it’s hard to turn out gripping narratives while I have a sick child asleep in my lap. And if I have to look up how to code a “mailto” link one more time, I’m going to scream!”

From our perspective: Newsletters are hard, even for those of us who like to write. However, it can be helpful to think of them as "the job," i.e. what pays the bills. Everything else is "the ministry.” (This is not entirely exclusive however, because ministry can also happen through newsletters.) Spending time writing a newsletter every month is just part of the job. Plus writing a newsletter is an opportunity to slow down, reflect on life, and document your life here. Have I complained when I have writers’ block or when something isn’t working right in the e-newsletter program I am using? Yes. Absolutely. However, I also realize that someday my children and grandchildren are going to treasure these newsletters, and many people do faithfully read them and pray for us. It’s worth a few hours of inconvenience a month.

2. FACEBOOK “LIKES” DON”T PAY THE BILLS.

What the original article said: I’m glad that you liked my Facebook status. I really am. The thing is, when I say we need $1,200 by the end of the week to pay the school fees for orphaned children, I’m talking about actual dollars and actual need. Contrary to the rumors, Bill Gates doesn’t donate a dollar for every Like. That part is up to you. So, the next time you Like my status, consider sending a few bucks my way too.

 

For our perspective: We know Facebook doesn't pay the bills. It’s really not designed to. However, it helps keep people connected and excited about the work, and excited people pay the bills. Facebook is a prime example of group-think. As another missionary quoted, “Every man’s challenge is no man’s challenge.” If you really want to raise funds, you have to connect with people individually, not through an impersonal social media blast. Besides, Facebook can serve other great purposes. For example, it's a great opportunity for emotional support and to support and encourage others.

3. THEY ASK FOR MONEY BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO CHOICE.

What the original article said: “Lest you think #2 sounded a little whiny and money-hungry, you should know that I truly despise asking for money. I always have. And now I have to ask for it almost all the time. Even when I’m not asking for it, I’m thinking about asking for it. There are never enough funds to do all the good I’m trying to do, and I live with a nagging feeling that the one person I don’t ask is the one who would have written the big check. So, when I ask for money, know that I do so with fear and trembling.”

From our perspective: One thing I’ve discovered in all my years of fundraising is that people in the U.S. WANT to give to meaningful causes. In fact, being a part of something bigger than themselves that leaves a legacy HELPS them. It’s a win-win situation for all involved. No, not everyone you come in contact with will think your cause is a priority and not everyone who does value it will be financially able to support you in that way. However, you are not doing them a disservice by inviting them to partner with you in a cause that is meaningful.  And if you don't feel your cause is meaningful, then there are some other issues that need to be addressed.

4.  YOU’LL NEVER HEAR ABOUT THEIR WORST DAYS.

What the original article said: “Things are pretty bad here. If I told you what’s really going on, you would either come rescue me, or think I was exaggerating. If you heard some of the things I’ve said out loud, you might question my salvation. If you knew some of the thoughts I’ve had rattling around in my head, you might question my sanity. Sometimes good days are hard to come by, but I don’t dare tell you the worst. If I did, you would probably tell me to throw in the towel.”

From our perspective: Sure, no one likes to hear that you spent the afternoon crying your eyes out in frustration, and every missionary gets to that point. Don’t believe me? Click here. And you can't be completely transparent with everyone. However, you should be completely transparent with a few people, and at least somewhat transparent with all the people who are part of your prayer team. We personally try to share our struggles, but we also try to maintain a grateful heart and share our thanksgivings as well. And if you are having more hard days than good days, it might be time to talk to a counselor through Skype or other means. There is no shame in this, because living in another culture is HARD, and talking it out is way better than becoming bitter and burned out.

5. THEY NEED A VACATION…BUT WON’T TELL YOU IF THEY TAKE ONE.

What the original article said: “After 2 or 3 years of hard work, most people feel like they deserve a little break. Take the family to the beach. Visit a theme park, a national park, or Park City. I would love a vacation, but honestly, I feel guilty “pampering” myself, rather than putting all my time and resources into the ministry. On top of that, I know some people will judge me if my vacation is “too nice.” If I scrape and save pennies for 5 years so I can spend a week on an exotic island, you’ll never hear about it, because I can’t handle the snarky, “It must be nice” comments (the ones you’ll say to my face), or, “My donations paid for your vacation” (which you’ll think, but not say out loud – at least not to me). So, I keep some great stuff to myself for fear of being judged.”

From our perspective: Take the vacation!! It is so very important to take breaks. Working in another culture and language is stressful, and many, many missionaries experience burn-out if they are not proactive about getting rest and rejuvenation. We understand the concern, and we too wonder, “Does our vacation sound too extravagant? Will we lose donors over this?” However, we’ve found that if we explain why this vacation is important to us and the ways we have tried to be financially responsible in planning the vacation, most people are incredibly supportive.

6. HOSTING TEAMS IS A NIGHTMARE.

What the original article said: “Bless your heart. You think you’re doing me a favor. Thirty people show up at my door and expect me to provide transportation, food, lodging, sight-seeing, and a list of service projects a mile long. You’re here to “help.” The thing is, the other 51 weeks out of the year, we manage to do what needs to be done here just fine. That is, except for the time we spend working on the logistics for your team. You come over and want to help build a fence, when I can hire local workers to build a fence for a tiny fraction of what you spent to come here. I appreciate your desire to help, and I even love having visitors, but consider the size and expectations of your group before you plan your trip. A team of 3 or 4 highly skilled people is much more valuable to our ministry than a gaggle of mission tourists.”

From our perspective: For sure there are horror stories. We’ve heard many of them from fellow missionaries. However, it doesn’t have to be like that. A lot of it depends on the make-up of the team and how much preparation they’ve had. Try to stay active in the preparation beforehand, helping the team set their expectations, giving them resources, and letting them know what to bring and what not to bring. In the preparations, make sure that the team is working with local leaders on projects that local leaders feel are a priority. Then be available for mentoring while the team is there. They may not look like the people that you normally share God’s love with, but it’s quite possible that they need your love and care as much as, or more than, your normal crew. Keeping the groups smaller can also be really helpful, and make sure that they understand that the primary reason they are there is building relationships, not building a fence. Even with all your planning and effort, sometimes things won't go the way you hoped. At that point you just have to bless it and release it. Try to learn from the past and keep an open mind and heart for the next team. Short term mission teams are a fantastic opportunity for developing partnerships, as every single person that comes to visit will (potentially) return to their home country as an ambassador for your ministry. It’s also possible that in hosting these teams, you are helping to raise up future long-term missionaries.

7. “GOING HOME” IS A LOT OF WORK.

What the original article said: “Please understand, I now have two homes. When I’m at one, I’m away from the other, and there is a lot of emotion involved in that. On top of that, my life is absolutely crazy when I go “home.” I have to see relatives and friends, visit with partner churches, and take care of any number of issues that have arisen with my health, my electronic devices, and my government paperwork. Whether it’s a few weeks or a few months, I spend my time living out of suitcases and hustling from one appointment to the next. Is it good to be home? Sure. But when I get on that plane to go to my other home, I breathe a sigh of relief that life is almost back to ‘normal.’”

From our perspective: Very true. Furloughs are exhausting. And yet, they are also deeply refreshing. They give you an opportunity to catch up on other parts of your life and make memories with family and friends. They also give you the opportunity to miss things about your life in your host country. Furloughs can be so good for restoring perspective.

8. IT’S EASY FOR GOD TO TAKE A BACK SEAT IN THEIR LIFE

What the original article said: “Let’s face it, I’m no saint. I’m not any more spiritual than you are. I don’t start my day with three hours of devotional reading and prayer. I typically just get up and get to work. And there is a lot of work to be done. In fact, there is so much need here that it’s really easy to become so focused on doing things for God that I lose sight of God himself. In pursuing my calling, I’ve somehow forgotten about the caller. My spiritual life is almost nonexistent, other than the occasional desperate cry of ‘Why God?’”

From our perspective: For sure we are not more spiritual than our friends who are not cross-cultural missionaries. That being said, we’ve discovered that we do need to be more intentional about being spiritually-fed here than we did in the U.S. If we aren’t spiritually fed, we will fall apart. Personal story: Sometimes it sneaks up on you. I realized I hadn’t gotten enough spiritual nourishment when we missed our opportunity to go to an English-speaking worship service in Dar Es Salaam. We had the right time, but the wrong place. When I found out our mistake, I completely broke down in tears and it took a while to pull myself back together. It’s like dehydration. By the time you realize you are thirsty, you are already dehydrated. So, yes, intentionality. Since it is still hard for us to be spiritually-fed through Swahili worship services, we supplement with sermon podcasts, evening devotions, and most recently an English-speaking bible study. Do what works for your family and time frame, but do SOMETHING to regularly connect with your Maker.

9. IT’S HARD TO TRUST PEOPLE 

What the original article said: “There are good people here, there really are. But I have seen the worst of humanity in my work here – much of it from people I worked with and trusted. Other missionaries and pastors can be the worst. Just when you think you know someone, they stab you in the back, the front, and both sides. I’ve gotten to where I simply don’t trust anyone. My guard is up, and it’s not coming down. I refuse to get burned again. If that means I have to do everything myself, then so be it.”

From our perspective: Have we had people take our words and actions out of context? For sure. Have people lied to us? Yes. However, that happens everywhere. It really sounds like this particular author has some trust issues to work out. Vulnerability is hard, but is also the source of all that is meaningful in life. Here’s a really great talk on the subject: “The Power of Vulnerability” or you can read Brene Brown’s book, “Daring Greatly.”

10. THEY ARE LONELY

What the original article said: “Having neglected my relationship with God, and given up on people entirely, I’m left with just me. I hate it. I want to quit. I have dreams about what my life would be like if I went back to my old home town, to my old church, and my old friends. I could get a normal job earning a salary – with healthcare and paid vacation. I could shop and eat at normal places. Most of all, I could have normal relationships. But here? I’m all alone. I don’t know if there’s anyone like me here, and I know no one back home understands. I want to feel wanted, invited, and loved. I want someone to pour into me the way I’m pouring into others.”

From our perspective: This is especially true in the first year. Building relationships is hard whenever you move, but it is especially hard when you are moving to a new culture and doing it in a new language. Every missionary has moments when they want to quit. Be gentle with yourself. Reach out to start building relationships in your community as soon as possible, but also reach out to other missionaries who “get it.” This might mean driving somewhere to visit or finding a missionary community online. We highly recommend www.ALifeOverseas.com as a place to get started. It has helped normalize many of our feelings. 


This post is simply our gut-response put out there to hopefully encourage and help a few fellow missionaries. Perhaps as we continue to think about these topics, other ideas will come to us. We would love to hear from other missionaries as well. What has worked well for you? How do you work through the raw emotions found in the original article?